This post hurts my heart to write, but I’m hoping it will help someone who is silently struggling. This is a Part 2 of sorts to my Tips for Stress Free Homeschooling.
I’ve mentioned many times before homeschooling my oldest through his middle school years was difficult. So much more than it needed to be because I was overwhelmingly embarrassed to ask for help or even confide in someone about it.
It started with shame. I couldn’t get my happy reader to read anymore. I couldn’t get him to write proper sentences. What was happening to my great student?! He eventually started complaining about math and we started bickering. Every single day. He purposefully picked fights with me so I would send him to his room without getting the work completed. It wasn’t that the work was difficult… He just didn’t want to do any of it.
I never heard of a homeschooler doing this before so I kept quiet about mine. Especially since I was writing my own homeschool magazine column! I decided our homeschooling secret would go to the grave and we’d just push through. I kept telling myself it was just puberty. I even changed homeschool classes to a new location certain it would get better.
It didn’t get better.
I started getting canker sores. I started over-eating. I cried, a lot. Eventually I worked up a stomach ulcer and had to go to the dr for medicine relief. I stopped chatting with homeschool friends because I was choking on my pride. How did I get so bad at this? I was an excellent elementary home educator!
I started talking negatively to myself …
You’re a joke. No one would read your blog or listen to you speak if they knew how bad of a homeschool mom you turned out to be. You are pathetic at this. You wanted to be a teacher and you can’t get one assignment done. It’s because you’re stupid and didn’t finish college.
I finally had to share our difficulty to the friends in my homeschool bubble needing mom support … well that didn’t go over well.
No speaker at our homeschool conference ever shared difficulty. Laziness. Lying. Disobedience. It was supposed to be easy and I was supposed to be happy. My kid was supposed to be super smart. Homeschool is usually painted rosy pictures and I was living in a dead garden of hopelessness.
Instead of support you’d think we had something contagious. I was told numerous times to ‘fight harder for my homeschool’ and ‘don’t give up’. As if changing education plans is ‘giving up’ on a child?? Easy words from moms who didn’t have middle schoolers yet and couldn’t comprehend my struggle.
Oh I was fighting … with my homeschooler. Eventually the complaining to Hubs every night he came home lead us to bickering. Then he & his son to bickering. Then brother and brother to bickering. Our happy home turned toxic. Homeschool had become a four letter word.
You’re probably wondering did we discipline? Yup. Did we take away electronics? Yup. Did I pray more? Yup. Did I address his sinful behavior and heart issues. Yup. Each time I was promised a change and better behavior. It never lasted more than 2 weeks.
The straw that finally broke this camel’s back happened early 9th grade year. Rather than writing the correct answer in his Biology Student Notebook he simply rewrote the question. He’d ‘show’ me he did the work by flipping the pages so quickly to prove he had written in the book.
By the end of the unit preparing for the Study Guide I would go over all his answers to help him study for the big Unit Test. But I discovered he did not complete one answer.
I was sick to my stomach understanding the lengths he would go to lying to me and cheating himself. He did absolutely nothing but waste our time and I was done fighting for homeschool. I made him take the test anyway and he scored a 71%. He guessed right answers. He was thrilled, “I still passed” he gloated.
“Send him to public school just get him out of here” I told my husband that evening. I physically could not homeschool him any more.
You wouldn’t believe the comments I received when homeschool friends heard that he was heading to public school. They broke my heart – as if I was the one to blame for our failure. Not that my son chose disobedience. Because ‘Christian Homeschoolers’ can’t possibly be bad kids!
I can say now that it’s over it was easier for them to blame me rather than believe homeschooling is not always perfect. That homeschooling isn’t the only answer. That it doesn’t matter how hard you might try … if a stubborn child would rather be lazy then he is literally the lazy sluggard of Proverbs doomed to ruin.
For what it’s worth I’ll tell you he didn’t give public school much more effort than he gave me. He didn’t even like most of it. He was all about after school hanging out and being around people.
We learned through a year & half of public school that pushing for ‘Honors’ classes isn’t worth the fight. If my son graduates with a general basic diploma – at least he graduates. Those might not sound like typical homeschool goals, but I think it’s important to realize not all homeschool students are awesome at being students.
We did learn that my son is a great employee. He takes great pride in his work. He wakes himself up early and gets himself to work. He picks up shifts whenever possible. He enjoys interacting with customers. I’m no longer worried I didn’t have the perfect homeschool student because I’m relieved he can handle working in the ‘real world’.
Just a word to the pious homeschool moms… Your judgment and criticism is unnecessary. Be a supporter of ALL homeschoolers. Be a prayer warrior. You might not understand the difficulties some moms face, but you can show compassion. I promise one friend’s “bad student” will not affect you’re perfect homeschool. They need encouragement far more than condemnation.
Just a word for the homeschool conference speaker … please start sharing the struggles. No mom should feel helpless & alone. I know your Instagram account is edited. But give those silently struggling moms some love.
Just a word for the mom in the middle of it … you’re not alone. Don’t take it personally. One decision at a time. Do what’s best for your family. Don’t worry about what the bubble thinks.